my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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