The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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