Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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