i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
