i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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