3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
