I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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