I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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