my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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