I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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