We're facebook friends in real life
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
