Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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