im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's never too late to be topless.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
