then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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