we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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