im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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