I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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