I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He has the fingertips of a God
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