We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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