The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize