Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
