he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You were trust falling into bushes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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