I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
