Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
