I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
