I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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