So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
