Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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