If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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