I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
