Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
