put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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