Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
