Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
