before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
