Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
