so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize