at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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