In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Welp...herpes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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