where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
