I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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