I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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