If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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