I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
