I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
