Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
