i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
