I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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