I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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