Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
