We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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