My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
