Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
