and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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