I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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