My first STD was from a foam party
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
